Looking back: processing

#poetry #Jesus #godisgood #writing #depression #linkinpark #chesterbennington #life #blogging #inspire

In 2017 I was in a dark place. I had very bad depression for what felt like two years. It was what i called then being in a funk. I always thought of myself as mentally strong but after two years i realized i was more serious than i thought. I was tired of lying to myself thinking i was fine and would get better. That i was just in this Funk and if that’s all it was I didn’t need to question more than that.

LOOKING BACK

For those two years i had trouble sleeping from anxiety and my mind not letting me sleep because it was always processing. I even went to sleep studies which lead to no real results. I was constantly tired even though I slept for an adequate amount. I was mentally, physically, and emotional exhausted. I would pray everyday for my situation to change for two years. Still with the idea that im just in this funk.It will go away on its own.

IN 2016

It wasn’t until i had to go to my doctor to do an evaluation for a health checkup. I had to so i could enter a nursing program i had been working years to get into. The doctor asked me a simple question. Ms. Stein, do you feel like your depressed or mentally capable to do this program? Of course, thinking how hard i had worked to get this far and getting into a program is like winning the lotto in California I lied. “No, i said.” Almost a whisper because in my head i knew i should had said yes but didn’t want to jeopardise everything. I lied to myself and it was my wake up call.

Turns out i did the program. Did well but mentally checked out eventially. I was tired and nursing wasn’t serving me. I stood longer than I should because i didn’t want my answer to be based out of fear but logic. Eventually, i was not happy with my program but I was not crazy about nursing either. I felt called to something else. I just wasn’t sure what that was just yet. I told my instructor i was done.

2017

For the first time i felt free from the script of life and what i felt pressured to do. I felt free to choose but i had no clue what that was. I spent most of the beginning of 2017 trying to figure that out. Then in the summer of late July i lost Chester of Linkin Park. Everyone that knows me knows I love that man and LP is my home. Linkin Park has been my favorite band since i was 13 years old. Im now 32. Every album has been a phase in my life and meeting them and going to shows has always been the one thing i do for myself. So Chester passing i took very hard and it’s still a trigger. It was another link to add to my sadness.

I came to realize when i was sad about things like Chester or life I could rationalize my depression. However, on the days when life was a perfect day and i felt sad or down i could not. I questioned it and was hard on myself about it. And that’s when i realized too i was more serious than i originally thought. Still i kept it to myself and away from my family and friends because i did not want to worry them.

Slowly over time I started to be honest about it more and more. But first i had to be honest with myself. I told myself for the first time. Im depressed not in a funk. My mind was not strong enough to get out of it. No books, positive thinking could change how i felt. No shopping therapy or relationship could distract me.

Oddly when i told myself i was in my car. I was cryingto myself. I had a perfect day. I was telling myself what’s wrong with you. You should be happy. You should be excited. You had a good day. It was days like this i could not rationalize like a bad ones. So it felt worse. I said I’m not in a funk. I’m depressed. When i finally admitted it to myself i felt a weight lift. Then slowly I told my family for the first time and my best friend. It didn’t make my depression go away but it made it real and I felt better. The more honest and vocal i was I felt the weight lifting piece by piece.

It was Christmas now. And I remember saying Jesus, it’s your birthday but I want to ask you for a gift. I don’t think people ask gifts from you on Christmas but I really like to have it. If not i understand it’s your will and not mine. I said, please take this depression from me. Even though i had prayed numerous of times before. Each time giving accounts as to why he should make it disappear or how i couldn’t focus or concentrate. This time was simple like a whisper. Please take this cup from me. And i said thank you and never thought about it after i said it. Simple. I didn’t even think it would happen either. I just thought if it happens it happens then went about Christmas.

The next day I felt different. I can’t explain it but i did. Then a week went by and even better. It was new years and i remember being afraid like this is too good to be true. And for new years i share it with God while in a massive group of people on the traffic streets of Las Vegas blvd. I said thank you God for your gift.

2018

It was the new year and for the first time i finally felt like me. The old me that was content and felt alive. I was aware of my emotions and not numbed by them. For some odd reason I felt the need to write. I didn’t know why but I started writing poems after Chester passed. My first poem is dedicated to him called Smile. I didn’t think much of it. But wrote another and another and so forth. A few months in I was like I have quite a few poems and gave myself a goal to commit and write poems for a year. What I collected I would put into a book. Its a linkin park journal that I bought from a friend and is one of my favorite things. It holds 70 poems now and is full. I hope to have the band sign it one day. 

As I went through this year of writing poetry it was an outlet for me to express myself. I had a lot to say I realized. I used to think my poems were dumb but now I’m proud of them and the growth I have made. I didn’t care for poetry in high school but now found somewhere I belong in it. I still feel like a baby poet and a numbie to writing but I’m progressing. It helped me cope with life issues, my love for God and my grief for Chester. 

2019

Now it’s 2019 and as I reflect back I can only look forward to writing more. I look forward to the commitment to writing as I am a writer who does not like people to read my writing. Confusing right? Well, I struggle with the idea of others reading my thoughts or things I consider personal as I am a private person mentally. But with my poems it gives me the ability to share my point of few with others. Share my story and my pain and struggle. So I’ve been less keen on the idea of should I share this yet? Hopefully, for 2019 I’m more of an open book. Writing is what I enjoy. I am working on a couple novels and can’t wait to see where my poetry goes in 2019. Even though I did not get a degree in creative writing I do have a story to tell. Or maybe a few.

Love to my readers,

3 thoughts on “Looking back: processing

  1. dmcmom says:

    I went through a very similar experience. My body had to smack me in the face emotionally to force me to see that I was in denial … it wasn’t until I accepted that I wasn’t “ok” that I started to heal

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